The art of procuring nudie pics

I

t seems like a lot of couples send nude pictures nowadays and I, unfortunately, have never been a part of this exclusive club. So when a guy I met a few weeks ago (described to me by my friends as “king of the bros”) showed me a seemingly endless supply of nude pictures on his iPhone that he had acquired while at school, I was shocked. Shocked, frightened, and aroused. A little bit hungry. Also drunk, very drunk.

 The guy was a beauty, a true “king of the bros” indeed. His first words upon entering a Waterloo bar: “What’s with all the sixes?” He explained to me that his life motto was to “put up the W’s” (which I later learned means “Wins”). Considering that I have never received a sexting picture in my life (nothing sans sous-vêtements, anyway), I had to ask him what his game was. And he gave me some very thought-provoking advice that I think society should take a good, hard look at.

He told me that, in order to receive nudie pics, one must first send nudie pics. His implication was ingenious: the reason you must initiate this ritual is so that the girl knows she can trust you. You can’t do anything stupid (or cruel) with her pictures because she has a picture of your dick as collateral. And isn’t it hypocritical for guys to ask for pictures without being willing to do the same thing?

Let’s discuss the economic incentives involved. A girl may not even want a picture of a guy’s dick for ogling, but rather to have a trap card that allows for an equal playing field in terms of the risks involved (and yes, I just referenced sexting and Yu-Gi-Oh in the same sentence).

I asked a few women if they would even want the picture for viewing, and most didn’t even care. What was important was the insurance: “If he puts a picture of me on Facebook, I’m going to send his dick to his mom”.

Sending someone a naked picture of yourself is an activity that inherently involves a lot of vulnerability. That vulnerability becomes reduced once there is the possibility of mutually assured destruction. Not unlike the Cold War, both parties cannot use their nuclear weapons to destroy the other person in any way, knowing that the other person has the same weapon at their disposal.

So gentlemen, don’t be hypocritical and expect things from a partner that you wouldn’t do. Like Paul McCartney once said, “And in the end, the love you give is the love you get.”